No Way Those Will Fit

Every once in a while I pull something out of my closet and try it on.  That's the easiest way for me to judge my progress.  Sure, the scale is nice but it's just numbers.  Trying on something that hasn't fit in years and thinking, "I should wear this to work tomorrow," is a great feeling!  Looking at a pair of pants and thinking, "no way those will fit," and being able to put them on... that's awesomeness. That's sixty pounds of awesomeness. 

A Few More Miles

So, I've gone a few more miles down the road. I'm down 55 pounds. Sometimes I think I should be totally skinny by now. I mean, how is it fair that I've lost this much and I'm still huge? Then I remember that life isn't fair. It's never been fair, that's not the point of life. Life is meant to be survived... if you can thrive and enjoy the journey, that's a bonus.

I had labs drawn last week. I've been on pins and needles since then. Losing 14% of my weight and eating with care and purpose (for some reason, the word mindfulness irritates the crap out of me) should make a difference. And it did!! My A1c is almost back to normal, my fasting glucose is down 23 points, and my lipid profile is awesome. For the first time in my life, I can't wait for my next doctor's appointment. I'll be walking in like a boss.

Another one bites the dust

I dropped into the twenties this week... I love to slide past the zeroes! Every pound lost is proof that I can do this. I can DO this! Doing it is a real confidence booster, too. I realized yesterday that I was walking like a boss. I had to laugh... it's been a very long time since I did that.

Still Here, Still Strong

This isn't my first rodeo. I've been riding the weight loss bronco for a long, long time. No one gets this far in life without being bucked a few times. But this time is different. A couple of people have asked me what I'm doing to lose weight. I can see them waiting, hoping, longing for an easy answer. I feel bad, because I remember having that kind of hope. "If only someone tells me the secret, the easy way, the painless way..." No one ever did. There is no easy answer. Seriously, if losing weight were easy, no one would be fat. The true secret to losing weight isn't expending more energy than you consume. That's the science. The secret, and one that took me decades to realize, is that you have to want it more than anything else. So, that's what I tell people. Make weight loss your priority, and let no one and nothing distract you. I have rock solid, unshakeable goals this time, and there is nothing I want more.

I see a future for myself, and I will not allow pizza, ice cream, cookies, candy, Doritos or anything else to get in my way. I want this MORE. I'll suffer through bouts of depression, crying my eyes out instead of eating to feel better. I'll track my food day in and day out just to keep myself honest. I'll walk past any food that doesn't fit into my plan for the day. I been doing it for the past 3+ months, and you know what? It's working. I'm down 53 pounds. 53! It's friggin incredible. It's also hard as hell. But, I'll keep doing it anyway. This is probably my last chance to ride the bronco, and I'm holding on for dear life.

Slow and steady

Some days I'm happy to see small changes on the scale. But there are other days when the fire of impatience rages through me. I want to skip ahead six months, a year, two years, more. Those are the days when I dig deep to find patience. I'm now down to 336 lbs. I'm definitely smaller. Despite my baggy clothes, people are starting to notice. The hope that lives inside me grows stronger every day.

Breaking Through

My favorite part of losing weight is breaking through the tens. You know that feeling when you slide past another zero? I dropped into the 30s today. I was so shocked! Down to 338 means I've now lost 45 pounds. I'm trying to think of a suitable reward for when I get to the 50 lb mark.

I have to eat HOW MUCH ??

 It never fails to amaze me how much I need to eat in order to lose. It seems so counterintuitive, but it works. At my size, I need to eat about 1700 to 2000 calories a day depending on my activity level. Eating that much is easy when you live on Costco pizza, frozen pizza, buffalo tenders, and Doritos. Eating that much becomes overwhelming when your meals consist of vegetables, lean protein, and low sugar complex carbs. Then, try balancing fat, carbs and protein. Eating healthy can be as time-consuming as any hobby. 

I'm remembering all the little things from my last weight loss adventure. The way my skin and the fat under it gets all shrivelly and shrinkedy right before I have a "fat flush" ... The way I'll drink extra water when I'm having a mini plateau, and then have a fat flush the next day... The first time I had the fat flush during this trip, I actually yelled. "OMG! I remember this! It's the flush!" Ha. It's the little things that keep me motivated.

Speaking of motivation, mine is multi-faceted this time. I have some health issues, some lifestyle issues, and some career issues. I do not want diabetes, and I still have a chance to avoid it. I'm not anxious to have a stroke either. Losing weight also helps with the arthritic joints and the physical fibromyalgia symptoms. As for lifestyle, I'm lonely. I want more friends and I want a partner. Yeah, I get that fat people can have these things. But the kind of people I like the best are ones who are physically active and involved in a lot of different things. That leaves my career. I spent many years in public safety. Now I work in a white-collar, public service job. I get bored. I'm good at what I do, but I miss being in charge, handling logistics, having people jump to follow my orders! If I'm to ever return to public safety, I need to be physically fit. Even if I stay in my current career, I know that it's a lot easier for "normal-sized" people to get promoted. The location I want to transfer to has a lot of very stylishly and professionally dressed people. If I want to get transferred there, I need to be able to wear nice business clothes. I can't do that now... I'm still buying big men's shirts that droop and cover my floppy stomach and front butt fat. I want to be able to wear skirts, dresses, suits, etc.

Now, back to that partner issue... I'll be honest. I want a nice tight ass that looks hot in jeans. Do I know a guy that would appeal to? Yes. Yes, I do. Being a normal size and having a great butt would give me the confidence to make that move :-)

Determination

You know you're committed to the journey when you stick to healthy eating even when your life is in turmoil.

Back on the road again

It lives!
Having given up on life and having lost all hope, I took a long, long trip down Angst Road into Fat Canyon. I foundered there for a while, living on pizza and ice cream. As you can imagine, I grew fatter in my sad hopelessness. It really sucks to be both fat and depressed!
Yeah, that's over now. Life is short, but I'm not dead yet. I've been back on the road to healthy for almost two months. All I've been doing is tracking everything I eat using Livestrong's My Plate. An all time high of 380 has started melting away--I'm at 343 and am still on track. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I've made it past the "10%" loss that is supposed to have an immediate effect on insulin response, etc. I do walk a little bit taller because of that.
That's it for now.

Update, etc

Crazy busy here. I started my new job!  This job has great benefits, great co-workers, a great work environment... and a few negatives, but nothing to make me leave anytime soon.  I'm busy all day long, unlike my last job where I sat on my behind too much.  I finally dug out a pedometer so I can keep track of all the running around that I do. I'm hoping that this job will have the added perk of helping me shrink.  Oh, and I'm bringing very healthy lunches.  It's all good.  I'll let you know how things are progressing...

Living in the Ether

I feel like a cartoon character these day... Remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is in the mansion with the evil scientist? The bottle of ether breaks, and Bugs begins to move in slow motion. That's my life these days. I'm in the middle of an exciting, stress-filled, hectic game of hurry up and wait. I have a house under contract, and I'm in the post-offer screening stage of my new job.  It's all good, and yet... none of it will be done until all the forms are signed and filed. I feel lik I am waiting for an impending implosion.  If, when, this all works out... I will be on cloud nine.  

In the meantime... I am trying very hard to resist temptations of the foodly kind. Despite the stress I am feeling, I have managed to avoid buying ice cream and Doritos for at least a week. I know that sounds pitiful, but I'm an addict. Any time I can leave a grocery store without purchasing either of those items, I have won a small battle. If I win enough battles I will, most likely, win the war. 

I have mixed enough metaphors for one day. Let the games begin. [ha]

Hectivity

Life is what happens when you're running around dealing with day to day craziness. My new word for this is 'hectivity'. So, what's been happening? Here it is... 

• Suffering through a terrible cold [first one in years... I have turned into a whiny baby]

• Job hunting... phone interviews, in-person interviews, meeting new potential bosses and trying to arrive on time [early, always early... then I sit in the parking lot and read books on my Nook]

• House hunting... it's time to move, and I've just started looking for my next home... exciting and terrifying and nerve-wracking all at once [I do like peeking into other peoples homes... some are living museums to the 1980s... pastel pink and green "tropical decor" makes me shudder]

• Working on a new business venture with a great new friend. [it's a product for people who love their pets... I think we'll have fun and make some money]

• Sending a friend off on a great new life adventure... it's hard to say goodbye to someone, and she has misgivings about leaving, but it's all for a greater good [sometimes a person needs a longer runway to achieve flight]

•  Trying, some days more than others, to stay on the straight and narrow... [I find myself often veering onto the fat and squishy, but my intentions are pure]

•  Vowing to try a little bit harder today than yesterday, and harder still tomorrow.

Hello, hello to my anonymous commenter! I'm glad you checked Highway 150 when you did :-)

Motivations

I can't change without a goal, a reason to drive me forward. In my current state of apathetic couchlumpness, finding a significant motivation has been like finding one leftover chocolate egg buried in the freezer six months after Easter.  But, I am nothing if not ingenious.  After much digging and rearranging I managed to unearth one overlooked egg. More on this later... but rest assured, it was not really a chocolate egg.

*Cough*

*tap*tap*tap*

"Is this thing on? Can you hear me?"

No, it's not a voice from beyond. I really am alive and well. Not so well, really, but alive. One of you is still poking me in my fat white behind, and for that I am grateful. (Thank you, Princess Dieter)  Sometimes the thinnest of threads makes the strongest life line.  Every message you sent to me gave me a little more strength. Added up, they brought me almost to the brink of life. The final push? Don't laugh, but it was a commercial on TV.  Not a diet aid, or a diet plan, or a healthy way of life commercial.  It was a Citibank commercial, for Pete's sake.  I hate Citibank.  But L.P. singing Into the Wild-- "...come save us a runaway train..."  You have to love the irony.

Of course, that's what I've been all this time... a runaway train.  I've written nothing and eaten everything. My A1C is probably up into the diabetic range by now.  I haven't really given a crap about much of anything for a long time.  I am still underemployed, despite immense effort on my part to break into a full time position in my desired profession.  There are also some family issues that wear on me constantly.  Add in the fibromyalgia, and all I want to do is eat to relieve my stress.  In my hedonistic way, that's what I've been doing for more months than I can count. Nom nom nom.  Hell, it works.  Eating sends my endorphin level through the proverbial roof faster than anything else.  I'm addicted to the fatty sugary salty high.  

But, well, I'm too young to give up on life.  I thought I was, but lately I've started to regain some interest in the future.  And that's why I'm here.  Funny thing is, my reawakening has nothing to do with New Year's resolutions.  I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm surrounded by annoying quarter- and half-year residents and they drive me insane. Florida is NOT a fun place when hordes of elderly mid-westerners descend in flocks and droves.  If I were smaller and healthier, I could run faster to escape.... Hey, don't judge... I'll take my motivation wherever I can find it.

Hokey Pokey and Other News

One step forward one step back.  A good meal, a bad meal, a good day, a bad day. Life is a bit of a vicious cycle. Some days I'm in control. Some days, I forget all of my coping skills. Yesterday was a bad day. Today, I'm doing well. When I make tomorrow another good day, I'll be moving forward. And, as you know, forward is my favorite direction.

My major focus these days is my new online business. If I can't get any more hours at work, I have to find a new source of income. I'm still in the design and stock inventory stage, but I hope to go public by the end of the month. This is my version of getting a five yr old ready for the first day of kindergarten.

There's a new box of spinach in my refrigerator. This particular brand of spinach comes in giant clear plastic containers. Instead of recycling them, I use the containers to organize inventory and supplies for my new business venture. The more I eat, the more containers I have stacked about my work room. They remind me of my goals :-)  The ultimate in green living... reduce waste, reduce waist.  Epic win.

Cravings

Today's win... not going to the grocery store because I know I would have come home with illegal snack foods.  It's not much, but it's better than last week.

Slightly More Alive Now

Yeah, so the whole Monday thing was a little ambitious. Monday is my busiest day of the week. But here I am, and it's only Tuesday!  

I've been drinking water like crazy, trying to flush out all that bad attitude and Doritos residue. My eating is much better now... whole grains, spinach, veggies, low fat dairy... and reasonable amounts of each.

I had family down for a visit last week. It wasn't the huge emotional scene I had originally planned, but one family member was pretty impressed by the amount of weight I've lost. This less-than-stellar reception went a long way toward strengthening my resolve to shock the daylights out of them. The next time they see me, I plan to be a fraction of my current self.

Now here's the really big deal... I've been offered the opportunity to accompany someone on a trip halfway around the world. Unbelievable, I know. What an awesome experience!  Because the trip involves short hops on small planes, I need to get to a comfortable weight before I go... I'll have to tell the pilot each time so he/she can calculate fuel, etc. The smaller the plane, the more careful you have to be with fuel calculations. So there's another BIG motivation for me.  

What else is new?  I am still working on my book. Finding the right words to make a scene unfold is both challenging and rewarding. It definitely keeps my imagination working.  It's also fun to be at work, or at a social event, and suddenly see something that just has to go into the book. I find myself writing in all sorts of people and scenarios from daily life. I love the old cliche about the strangeness of truth vs. fiction.  

My family said goodbye to a pet we'd had for a very long time. Even she was ready to go... she was very old and frail... so, although it was sad, it was the right time. Of course, that doesn't keep us from looking for her. The house seems so very empty. But, as that door closed, another is about to open. I am going to rescue a new pet or two next week!  I haven't decided between babies or young adults. One would be more sensible, but a pair seems to be so much more fun. I will let you know what happens on that front! I can't wait to bring home a furball or two :-)

All in all, my coping-without-eating skills have improved dramatically. I consult my "do this instead of eating" list whenever I am tempted to eat out of boredom or stress. It helps.

On that note, I will leave you with a few photos from paradise...

Ibis in the surf

Wild Florida

Juvenile tern reporting to mom

Gator at a secret watering hole

Not Dead Yet

Yes, it has been more than a month since my last update.  I keep writing down BS excuses about not having time to sit and write, etc.  After I write each one, I delete it.  The truth is, I have been busy but not all THAT busy.  I'm just full of excuses.  What a wheelbarrow-load of BS.  No one is ever so busy that they can't be healthy and blog about it.

This is the absolute busiest time of year where I live.  Some days I have to hide out at a friend's house after work until traffic dies down enough for me to get home.  It's crazy!  And there are hundreds of people milling about on bicycles.  They dart out from behind bushes thinking that nothing bad could possibly happen to them whilst on vacation.  I tell you, I'm ready for a vacation.

To escape the stress brought on by the seasonal frenzy of activity, I have been eating ice cream and Doritos.  Yep.  I've been making very, very bad decisions.  I have this really nifty trick where I put the chips into my grocery cart and pretend that I am going to bring them in to work.  That rationalization works until I load the bags into the car.  Somehow, I magically forget about the people at work and soothe the stresses of my day with the satisfying crunch of a spectacularly spicy and oddly colored corn chip.  What is it about orange food that soothes the soul??

Things have gotten so out of control that I sometimes tell myself that I deserve a treat.  That's my favorite bit of BS.  What I really deserve is to carve out time for a walk or a swim.  I deserve to be healthy, not chip-laden.

Tomorrow, my journey begins anew.  I'm beginning Phase 2.  I am ready to put the smackdown on my ridiculous BS excuses.... tomorrow.  I want one last night of self-indulgent lassitude and the opportunity for culinary debauchery.  The big question for me is... will I indulge tonight or will I simply go cold turkey on bad food when I leave work tonight.  Check back on Monday.  I will have Big Things to report.

__________________________________________

P.S.   Princess Dieter.... thank you for all the kicks in the behind.  I'm finally listening.

Life Is Not For Sissies

My life is a challenge. It has never been easy. I have always been fascinated by people who seem to "coast" through life. Although I am well aware that most people have hidden challenges that are not apparent to the rest of the world, I know that life is certainly easier for some people than for others. That said, I hate to whine. These past few months, I have had very few words to share that were either positive or new. Everything seemed negative or redundant, or both. So, instead of whining here, I just kept silent.

Inertia is a tremendously powerful force. It kept me going for months last summer, and then it kept me stationary for months this past winter. Whenever I have to face changes, or make decisions about my life, I tend to freeze up. The bigger the decision, the faster I shut down. Crazy. The great irony is that when I worked as a paramedic I made life and death decisions on the spur of the moment. I very rarely hesitated. Go figure. I suppose it's easier to decide the fates of others than our own. When my going gets tough, I pull the blankets up over my head and hide. This is NOT productive behavior!

Food is another powerful force. Its ability to soothe and comfort is legendary. I am very, very good at deriving comfort from nasty processed foods. Salt- and sugar-laden foods kept me company through all of the fall and winter holidays! We were BFFs! My homies and I hung out in the hizzie and had wild times. With friends like that....

I am running with a better class of buds these days. The turning point came when Costco restocked my favorite tortillas. I'd been without them for a couple of months. When they suddenly reappeared in the store, I knew it was time to get back on track. That's when I started pushing the boulder back up the hill. Life isn't for sissies. Good thing I'm not one.

Sisyphus

The past few months have been difficult, both mentally and physically. Thank you to those of you who have kept prodding me. I have held your words close to me, turning them over like worry stones and rubbing them smooth. Instead of weighing me down, they helped to anchor me and keep me grounded.

I have spent the last few months quite overwhelmed by life. The biggest problem I have, aside from my actual bigness, is that I am over-educated and underemployed. I work in the public sector, and my hours are dependent on property tax values. Unfortunately, I also live in an area with some of the highest unemployment and foreclosure rates in the country. Toss in the fact that I have always been an emotional eater.  Add a pinch of chronic medical condition. Stir as vigorously as possible. What a wonderful recipe for ulcers, lethargy, and weight gain!

It has been a long winter of pushing my rock up the hill, but I have made significant progress. My refrigerator is, once again, full of spinach and low carb tortillas. My resume is up to date and ready for any opportunity. Best of all, my creativity is blooming. Life might not be great, but it is showing some promise.