Hectivity

Life is what happens when you're running around dealing with day to day craziness. My new word for this is 'hectivity'. So, what's been happening? Here it is... 

• Suffering through a terrible cold [first one in years... I have turned into a whiny baby]

• Job hunting... phone interviews, in-person interviews, meeting new potential bosses and trying to arrive on time [early, always early... then I sit in the parking lot and read books on my Nook]

• House hunting... it's time to move, and I've just started looking for my next home... exciting and terrifying and nerve-wracking all at once [I do like peeking into other peoples homes... some are living museums to the 1980s... pastel pink and green "tropical decor" makes me shudder]

• Working on a new business venture with a great new friend. [it's a product for people who love their pets... I think we'll have fun and make some money]

• Sending a friend off on a great new life adventure... it's hard to say goodbye to someone, and she has misgivings about leaving, but it's all for a greater good [sometimes a person needs a longer runway to achieve flight]

•  Trying, some days more than others, to stay on the straight and narrow... [I find myself often veering onto the fat and squishy, but my intentions are pure]

•  Vowing to try a little bit harder today than yesterday, and harder still tomorrow.

Hello, hello to my anonymous commenter! I'm glad you checked Highway 150 when you did :-)

Motivations

I can't change without a goal, a reason to drive me forward. In my current state of apathetic couchlumpness, finding a significant motivation has been like finding one leftover chocolate egg buried in the freezer six months after Easter.  But, I am nothing if not ingenious.  After much digging and rearranging I managed to unearth one overlooked egg. More on this later... but rest assured, it was not really a chocolate egg.

*Cough*

*tap*tap*tap*

"Is this thing on? Can you hear me?"

No, it's not a voice from beyond. I really am alive and well. Not so well, really, but alive. One of you is still poking me in my fat white behind, and for that I am grateful. (Thank you, Princess Dieter)  Sometimes the thinnest of threads makes the strongest life line.  Every message you sent to me gave me a little more strength. Added up, they brought me almost to the brink of life. The final push? Don't laugh, but it was a commercial on TV.  Not a diet aid, or a diet plan, or a healthy way of life commercial.  It was a Citibank commercial, for Pete's sake.  I hate Citibank.  But L.P. singing Into the Wild-- "...come save us a runaway train..."  You have to love the irony.

Of course, that's what I've been all this time... a runaway train.  I've written nothing and eaten everything. My A1C is probably up into the diabetic range by now.  I haven't really given a crap about much of anything for a long time.  I am still underemployed, despite immense effort on my part to break into a full time position in my desired profession.  There are also some family issues that wear on me constantly.  Add in the fibromyalgia, and all I want to do is eat to relieve my stress.  In my hedonistic way, that's what I've been doing for more months than I can count. Nom nom nom.  Hell, it works.  Eating sends my endorphin level through the proverbial roof faster than anything else.  I'm addicted to the fatty sugary salty high.  

But, well, I'm too young to give up on life.  I thought I was, but lately I've started to regain some interest in the future.  And that's why I'm here.  Funny thing is, my reawakening has nothing to do with New Year's resolutions.  I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm surrounded by annoying quarter- and half-year residents and they drive me insane. Florida is NOT a fun place when hordes of elderly mid-westerners descend in flocks and droves.  If I were smaller and healthier, I could run faster to escape.... Hey, don't judge... I'll take my motivation wherever I can find it.

Hokey Pokey and Other News

One step forward one step back.  A good meal, a bad meal, a good day, a bad day. Life is a bit of a vicious cycle. Some days I'm in control. Some days, I forget all of my coping skills. Yesterday was a bad day. Today, I'm doing well. When I make tomorrow another good day, I'll be moving forward. And, as you know, forward is my favorite direction.

My major focus these days is my new online business. If I can't get any more hours at work, I have to find a new source of income. I'm still in the design and stock inventory stage, but I hope to go public by the end of the month. This is my version of getting a five yr old ready for the first day of kindergarten.

There's a new box of spinach in my refrigerator. This particular brand of spinach comes in giant clear plastic containers. Instead of recycling them, I use the containers to organize inventory and supplies for my new business venture. The more I eat, the more containers I have stacked about my work room. They remind me of my goals :-)  The ultimate in green living... reduce waste, reduce waist.  Epic win.

Cravings

Today's win... not going to the grocery store because I know I would have come home with illegal snack foods.  It's not much, but it's better than last week.

Slightly More Alive Now

Yeah, so the whole Monday thing was a little ambitious. Monday is my busiest day of the week. But here I am, and it's only Tuesday!  

I've been drinking water like crazy, trying to flush out all that bad attitude and Doritos residue. My eating is much better now... whole grains, spinach, veggies, low fat dairy... and reasonable amounts of each.

I had family down for a visit last week. It wasn't the huge emotional scene I had originally planned, but one family member was pretty impressed by the amount of weight I've lost. This less-than-stellar reception went a long way toward strengthening my resolve to shock the daylights out of them. The next time they see me, I plan to be a fraction of my current self.

Now here's the really big deal... I've been offered the opportunity to accompany someone on a trip halfway around the world. Unbelievable, I know. What an awesome experience!  Because the trip involves short hops on small planes, I need to get to a comfortable weight before I go... I'll have to tell the pilot each time so he/she can calculate fuel, etc. The smaller the plane, the more careful you have to be with fuel calculations. So there's another BIG motivation for me.  

What else is new?  I am still working on my book. Finding the right words to make a scene unfold is both challenging and rewarding. It definitely keeps my imagination working.  It's also fun to be at work, or at a social event, and suddenly see something that just has to go into the book. I find myself writing in all sorts of people and scenarios from daily life. I love the old cliche about the strangeness of truth vs. fiction.  

My family said goodbye to a pet we'd had for a very long time. Even she was ready to go... she was very old and frail... so, although it was sad, it was the right time. Of course, that doesn't keep us from looking for her. The house seems so very empty. But, as that door closed, another is about to open. I am going to rescue a new pet or two next week!  I haven't decided between babies or young adults. One would be more sensible, but a pair seems to be so much more fun. I will let you know what happens on that front! I can't wait to bring home a furball or two :-)

All in all, my coping-without-eating skills have improved dramatically. I consult my "do this instead of eating" list whenever I am tempted to eat out of boredom or stress. It helps.

On that note, I will leave you with a few photos from paradise...

Ibis in the surf

Wild Florida

Juvenile tern reporting to mom

Gator at a secret watering hole

Not Dead Yet

Yes, it has been more than a month since my last update.  I keep writing down BS excuses about not having time to sit and write, etc.  After I write each one, I delete it.  The truth is, I have been busy but not all THAT busy.  I'm just full of excuses.  What a wheelbarrow-load of BS.  No one is ever so busy that they can't be healthy and blog about it.

This is the absolute busiest time of year where I live.  Some days I have to hide out at a friend's house after work until traffic dies down enough for me to get home.  It's crazy!  And there are hundreds of people milling about on bicycles.  They dart out from behind bushes thinking that nothing bad could possibly happen to them whilst on vacation.  I tell you, I'm ready for a vacation.

To escape the stress brought on by the seasonal frenzy of activity, I have been eating ice cream and Doritos.  Yep.  I've been making very, very bad decisions.  I have this really nifty trick where I put the chips into my grocery cart and pretend that I am going to bring them in to work.  That rationalization works until I load the bags into the car.  Somehow, I magically forget about the people at work and soothe the stresses of my day with the satisfying crunch of a spectacularly spicy and oddly colored corn chip.  What is it about orange food that soothes the soul??

Things have gotten so out of control that I sometimes tell myself that I deserve a treat.  That's my favorite bit of BS.  What I really deserve is to carve out time for a walk or a swim.  I deserve to be healthy, not chip-laden.

Tomorrow, my journey begins anew.  I'm beginning Phase 2.  I am ready to put the smackdown on my ridiculous BS excuses.... tomorrow.  I want one last night of self-indulgent lassitude and the opportunity for culinary debauchery.  The big question for me is... will I indulge tonight or will I simply go cold turkey on bad food when I leave work tonight.  Check back on Monday.  I will have Big Things to report.

__________________________________________

P.S.   Princess Dieter.... thank you for all the kicks in the behind.  I'm finally listening.

Life Is Not For Sissies

My life is a challenge. It has never been easy. I have always been fascinated by people who seem to "coast" through life. Although I am well aware that most people have hidden challenges that are not apparent to the rest of the world, I know that life is certainly easier for some people than for others. That said, I hate to whine. These past few months, I have had very few words to share that were either positive or new. Everything seemed negative or redundant, or both. So, instead of whining here, I just kept silent.

Inertia is a tremendously powerful force. It kept me going for months last summer, and then it kept me stationary for months this past winter. Whenever I have to face changes, or make decisions about my life, I tend to freeze up. The bigger the decision, the faster I shut down. Crazy. The great irony is that when I worked as a paramedic I made life and death decisions on the spur of the moment. I very rarely hesitated. Go figure. I suppose it's easier to decide the fates of others than our own. When my going gets tough, I pull the blankets up over my head and hide. This is NOT productive behavior!

Food is another powerful force. Its ability to soothe and comfort is legendary. I am very, very good at deriving comfort from nasty processed foods. Salt- and sugar-laden foods kept me company through all of the fall and winter holidays! We were BFFs! My homies and I hung out in the hizzie and had wild times. With friends like that....

I am running with a better class of buds these days. The turning point came when Costco restocked my favorite tortillas. I'd been without them for a couple of months. When they suddenly reappeared in the store, I knew it was time to get back on track. That's when I started pushing the boulder back up the hill. Life isn't for sissies. Good thing I'm not one.

Sisyphus

The past few months have been difficult, both mentally and physically. Thank you to those of you who have kept prodding me. I have held your words close to me, turning them over like worry stones and rubbing them smooth. Instead of weighing me down, they helped to anchor me and keep me grounded.

I have spent the last few months quite overwhelmed by life. The biggest problem I have, aside from my actual bigness, is that I am over-educated and underemployed. I work in the public sector, and my hours are dependent on property tax values. Unfortunately, I also live in an area with some of the highest unemployment and foreclosure rates in the country. Toss in the fact that I have always been an emotional eater.  Add a pinch of chronic medical condition. Stir as vigorously as possible. What a wonderful recipe for ulcers, lethargy, and weight gain!

It has been a long winter of pushing my rock up the hill, but I have made significant progress. My refrigerator is, once again, full of spinach and low carb tortillas. My resume is up to date and ready for any opportunity. Best of all, my creativity is blooming. Life might not be great, but it is showing some promise.

Inertia

Inertia, that's my problem. I try to deny it, I try to work around it, but the bottom line... and what caused the hugeness of my - er - bottom line... is that I'm about as motivated as a potato. Ironically, I'm shaped like a potato. Perhaps it is all a quirk of fate...

It is hard to overcome inertia. Seriously. There are no excuses or rationalizations at work here. In fact, there are all sorts of rules about energy and objects at rest versus objects in motion. Call me a geek, but I actually enjoyed physics. It was the physics instructor that I couldn't stand... Enough nostalgia! Inertia deals with the idea that objects at rest tend to stay at rest, and that objects in motion tend to remain in motion. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this... inactive people tend to stay inactive, and active people tend to stay active. That's why we're lumpy and they're buff.

 

In order to become active, a person has to get up off the couch or out of the chair and start moving. That transition requires a significant amount of physical energy. Active people seem to manage to get moving with very little fanfare. For some of us, the stagnant lumpy ones, the energy expenditure is like scaling a personal Mt. Everest. We would rather have our teeth pulled out than run around the neighborhood. We need incentives, constant streams of rewards, and the immediate gratification of noticeable results. But then, once we get going, we usually do okay. We get our walks or runs or biking done. We drag ourselves off to the gym. We keep going until we become complacent. You know what happens when we fail to be vigilant. We start to slow down. Workouts get more sporadic and then there's the inevitable roll to a stop.

  

All of us have been there. We've done that, and we've wished we could fit into the T-shirt. We know that it's easier to stay motivated than it is to get motivated in the first place. And yet, many of us allow ourselves to stop. Once we've stopped, we have to overcome inertia to get going again. That's what happens to me. Over and over, it happens to me. Sometimes it's hard to push myself to begin again. Sometimes, Highway 150 heads up a mountain. This is one of those hilly stretches. I suppose it's time to put the old buggy in 3rd gear and head up that next hill.

_________________________

Uber-irony... playing a word game today, instead of taking a walk, I missed the word "laziness"

New Year

Hi there everyone! I just got a kick in the behind, and it seems to have propelled me to the blogosphere. I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgivings and Passovers and Christmases and Kwanzaas and whatever other holidays you celebrated. Is there anyone out there who did NOT overindulge? Just remember to own what you do and what you eat. If you ate too many cookies, like I did, I hope you enjoyed them! (I did!)


I am not one of those people who relishes the beginning of a new year. I tend not to see the opportunities that lie ahead, and I never make resolutions. Instead, I am more likely to reflect on the things I did or did not accomplish the previous year. When I took stock of 2010, I realized that it really was a year of change for me. I lost sixty pounds! That's huge. (pun intended) But I should have lost more. Why didn't I lose as much as I planned? Food. I like to eat, and I like to eat "bad food." The recent holidays brought a lot of baking and entertaining and food gifts into my life. I'm a sucker for holiday-themed goodies. There was too much temptation for me to resist. So, I gave in. Until a few days ago, I was AWOL.


After at least a month, I finally stepped on the scale again. (The battery died and I kept forgetting to get a new one.)  Yes, I gained. No, I didn't gain a lot. Yes, I have already lost three of the nine pounds I gained since Halloween. No, I'm not fretting about it. I used to gain and lose ten pounds all the time! Seriously, every pound was worth it... I'm a great baker, and the cookies were fantastic... not to mention the Belgian chocolates that kept turning up at work... But now the tree is away and the decorations are down, and I am spending a bit more time thinking about what goes into my mouth. I am also paying attention to the relationship between food/exercise and results on the scale. 


Interestingly enough, to me at least, is the fact that I WANT to get back to losing weight. I think I found my mojo! I think I figured out why I have found motivation again. When I lost what I will call the "first sixty," I was smaller than I'd been in a LONG time. Jeans fit again, work clothes fit, etc. Having spent the past few months relatively static in the weight department, I am now used to this weight. Instead of feeling skinny, I just feel ... fat. I never realized how happy I'd be to feel fat! Now I have a new starting point. I will lose weight from this point, not from the original starting point. My challenges and goals seem to be more manageable and less threatening this way. 150 is not nearly as far away as it was back in June.


Onward and downward! I plan to see that ticker start moving again soon. 


Happy New You.

Emotional Giving Beats Emotional Eating

I just read something that really resonated with me.  Apparently, doing good deeds and acts of altruism activates the same reward sensors in the brain that respond to eating favorite foods.  Not only is this a great idea, but I think it's true. I know it's true for me. I always feel better when I eat!  Seriously, I can see how doing something simply for the sake of making someone's life better would trigger feelings of happiness and contentment.  

I think we should all work this idea into our pre-holiday resolutions. Instead of eating to feel better, try doing something for someone else. It's not too late to donate toys to Toys for Tots. Find a "secret santa" or "angel" tree in your community and donate gifts for children/seniors. Call a nursing home or assisted living facility and ask if there's anything they need for the residents to make the holidays more cheerful. Call a children's hospital/in-patient unit and ask if they need anything for the holidays. Bring treats to your favorite staffers at the library, the doctor's office, the dentist. Double your dinner or cookie recipe and share half with a neighbor or coworker who is stressed for time. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Give someone a subway token. Pay for someone's coffee at the coffee shop. Pack a note or tiny gift in someone's briefcase or lunch bag. Pay extra for your Christmas tree at the charity tree sale. Donate baked goods to a bake sale. Fill a grocery cart with food to take to a food pantry. Donate pet food to a local animal shelter. Just do something.

Giving doesn't have to cost money. There are lots of ways to give without spending. Compliments are free and are usually well-received. Write a letter of appreciation to someone's boss. Write or email letters to friends you have been neglecting in the holiday rush. Offer to watch someone's children/elderly parent for a few hours so they can run errands. Shovel the snow off your neighbor's walk. Carry your neighbor's empty trash cans or recycle bins back up their driveway. Help someone hang their Christmas lights. Become a volunteer in your community.

Do not stop giving when the holidays are over. Giving instead of eating might turn out to be the most globally beneficial diet plan ever invented. Imagine finding your fitness and making the world a better place at the same time! This is the epitome of a win-win situation. 

Peace.

Christmas Cookie Debauchery

Christmas cookies are a particular weakness of mine. I have, in the past week, thoroughly disgraced myself in the cookie arena. Sigh. I am looking for the strength to resist.

Walking the Walk

I have been off walking instead of posting, living outside instead of in front of the computer, putting a few more miles behind me on Highway 150.  During this time, though, I've had no scale.  So, I am a bit curious to go home sometime this coming week to find out what it says.  

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  I'm still eating turkey, but it's nearly gone.  :-D

An unadorned sunset for you... It really was this color.

A Fortnight

Ten days, a fortnight. That's how long I have been MIA from posting. I've been away from Highway 150 for longer than that, though. My life has gotten crazy-busy, and I have let other people and circumstances get between me and my goals. That needs to stop... for my own health and well-being. I am one of those people who feels compelled to take care of others. I'm sure it's part of what drove me into a career in health care. I know it's how I deal with friendships and relationships. The need to solve problems is an integral part of who I am. Even this blog... I started it to help myself, but quickly found myself helping and encouraging others. I love that! But sometimes it takes its toll on me. Sometimes I don't have enough energy to help even myself. And yet, even in those moments, I still help others.

So, dear friends, I have been attending to the various needs and problems of the people who actually lay eyes on me. The people around me have gotten rather demanding with their illnesses and melodramas and needs for assistance. Within the past few days, though, I have once again found my balance. I am happy to say that my health is once again my main priority. It HAS to be this way. I can't solve all the problems of everyone around me, but I can solve the problem of my continuing road to fitness. Sixty-something pounds gone is good, but getting down to 150 would be fantastic. That's where I am headed. 

~still slogging my way down Highway 150

Tempus Fugit

Yes. Time flies when you're me. I wish my extra poundage would fly off as fast as the days on the calendar.  It's almost Thanksgiving!

We here in the US celebrate Thanksgiving at the end of November.  My Canadian friends celebrate it in October. I think they're on to something.  I think those of us who are blubberly challenged would appreciate a two month break between eat-fest holidays.  

I have never really enjoyed food-based holidays, but this year I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving. I have planned a really fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends. We will have a few items with higher caloric densities and a few healthy dishes as well. The idea is to put calories where they will count the most... stuffing, gravy... and keep other dishes on the lean side. We all plan to laugh and celebrate and count our blessings. We also have scheduled a walk for earlier in the day. That ought to contribute to a bit of wiggle room in our stretchy pants.

I will be interested to see how I handle the Christmas season with all of its cookie-baking and celebrating. I do need to make cookies, but I need a strategy to keep from eating them. Perhaps I could make the dough at my house and then bake it at mom's house. I could hide cookies there until it's time to distribute them... 

Have fun this week! I hope SOMEONE is able to go on a nice vacation :-D

I Have Been Here In Spirit

Even though I haven't been writing here as much as I would like, I have certainly been thinking about Highway 150. The fitness road that stretches before me is always in my mind. Sometimes I'm heading down the road and sometimes I'm backtracking. Sometimes I'm sitting in a figurative rest area and pretending I don't need to take this journey at all. But it's always there, in my mind, in some fashion.

Now for the rambles...

I've been doing some other writing these days... I blasted the heck out of my writer's block and have just finished an actual chapter. Yes, I am writing a book! Who knows what will become of it, but I've always wanted to write one.  It's a novel... mystery/thriller... I'll let you know how it progresses. I hope it goes as well as my weight loss. 

This past week was a wash as far as pounds off goes. I'm okay with that after the previous week's 7 pound loss. Holy moly. It was probably just water.. lol.

Speaking of water, I'm done with the pool for the winter. The air and the water are too cold. There might be random days when I go in, but I'm basically a wuss. I like to swim when it's at least 85F outside. If it isn't warm, my muscles seize up like a dead bug. Yeah, nice image.

We're having a great run of "million dollar weather" here. Sunny days and cool nights. As much as we whine about the heat in the summer, we run around and shout about how great the weather is this time of year. We're like little kids just released from school. I've been to the beach at least four times a week for the past month! I love it! Of course, if I go in the evening I wear lots of warm clothes... lol... temps down into the *gasp* 60s.

Not my boat, but I can dream!

Acquaintances have started to ask me if I've lost weight. I wish they wouldn't. It feels like an invasion of privacy. Sometimes I wish I could have just stopped smoking or done some other inconspicuous thing. When a person's fatness starts to be noticeably altered, it's quite visible. There's no where for an essentially private person to hide. I wonder if that's one of the reasons we all wear our too-large clothes far longer than we should.... On that note, however, I can say that I haven't worn my reallyfat pants in weeks and weeks.

My goal for today is to strive for tolerance and patience. Stress releases cortisol, and we fatties have too much of that already. Peacefulness of mind is probably just as beneficial as baby spinach.

All Dressed Up

Sometimes, I get the sensation... oh man, I just conjured up a peppermint patty. Yikes. I digressed early today! What I was TRYING to say is that I sometimes get the feeling that I am a fraud. Perhaps not a fraud, but ... I am playing dress up.... that I'm really a fat fat person in a smaller fat person's body. Are you confused yet? Good, me too.

This morning I was trying to decide what to wear to work. I tried on a shirt that couldn't possibly fit. But it did. I took it off and stared at it. The shirt is one that I've had for years. I've had if for so long that I really don't remember when I bought it. It's one of the things I had packed away in a box just in case I ever made a serious commitment to losing weight. Well, it appears that I've gone and done it. I've actually gone so far as to lose a serious amount of weight. Some days that feels fantastic, and other days I feel like I'm dressed up for a masquerade party. As soon as I take off my smaller costume I will somehow go back to being the size I was six months ago. It's all very bizarre. In any event, I was so freaked out about the shirt that I hung it back up. For some reason, I was afraid to wear it.

I love writing this blog for many reasons... and one of the important ones is that writing about my experience helps me to clarify my thoughts. Case in point... I just realized why I feel like I'm dressing up as a smaller person and why I don't actually feel like a smaller person. I think it's because I have begun acting like a fat person again. Sigh. I know. 

My eating habits have been all over the map lately. Some days I eat like a rabbit and other days I eat like a starving badger. No, I don't know what badgers eat, but I will Google it in a few minutes. My point is that I haven't been paying much attention to the quality of the food I eat, and that needs to change. It does me little good to slowly shrink if I do it outside the realm of healthfulness. I might as well eat something like Nutr*system food. No, this trend toward "I can eat what I want and still lose weight" has to stop. Eating a healthy breakfast and then eating a *bleep* for lunch or a *bleep* for dinner is not the right thing to do! I know it, and yet... 

I really do need to get past the yet... It's doing nothing for my health! Highway 150 isn't just about losing weight, but it's about getting healthy. I need to do more of that.

Fogged In

I just realized that I haven't posted in three days. I blame the fibro fog... It has been pretty bad lately. My own name seems foreign to me. This foggy brain is frustrating, to say the least.  A flare up like this will  cause me to zombie my way through life for a few days until it lifts. Pain in the neck! This one seems to have settled in for a few days. Let me gather my wits and then I'll be back. Oh, and if you haven't noticed.... that dang ticker SHOT down this past week. Shazam.

My intention is not to make anyone jealous with my beach photos! I just love to share the marvelous beauty that surrounds me. I definitely know what you northerners are looking forward to this winter. This is what I used to see during the winter. I gave it up a few years ago in favor of the palm trees and eternal sunshine. Sometimes I do miss the cold crunchy snow under my feet.

The Scale Might Be My New BFF

Now that I have resumed my journey down Highway 150, I am starting to feel much better about myself. October was a rough month for me for some reason, and I'm glad it is November! I've already started to think about the things I am thankful for... including my scale. Yes, my scale and I are BFFs again. I no longer call it the digital platform from hell, and it no longer cackles in glee when I step on it. Maybe BFFs wasn't the right term. It's more like a situation of mutually assured destruction. Don't I have mixed feelings about the scale?!

As for daylight savings time, I have to admit that I love the morning sunshine. I'm not so fond of getting out of work in the dark, but beggars can't be choosers. At least now I can walk before work. I feel so smug when I walk around at work knowing that I have already done my mandatory exercise for the day.

It's cold here today. Ironically, it's colder here than in Nova Scotia. What's up with that? I may have to wear fleece to the beach today, but that's okay. Nothing can keep me away from the beach! Fresh air. That's my excuse. I'm going for the fresh air.