No Way Those Will Fit

Every once in a while I pull something out of my closet and try it on.  That's the easiest way for me to judge my progress.  Sure, the scale is nice but it's just numbers.  Trying on something that hasn't fit in years and thinking, "I should wear this to work tomorrow," is a great feeling!  Looking at a pair of pants and thinking, "no way those will fit," and being able to put them on... that's awesomeness. That's sixty pounds of awesomeness. 

A Few More Miles

So, I've gone a few more miles down the road. I'm down 55 pounds. Sometimes I think I should be totally skinny by now. I mean, how is it fair that I've lost this much and I'm still huge? Then I remember that life isn't fair. It's never been fair, that's not the point of life. Life is meant to be survived... if you can thrive and enjoy the journey, that's a bonus.

I had labs drawn last week. I've been on pins and needles since then. Losing 14% of my weight and eating with care and purpose (for some reason, the word mindfulness irritates the crap out of me) should make a difference. And it did!! My A1c is almost back to normal, my fasting glucose is down 23 points, and my lipid profile is awesome. For the first time in my life, I can't wait for my next doctor's appointment. I'll be walking in like a boss.

Another one bites the dust

I dropped into the twenties this week... I love to slide past the zeroes! Every pound lost is proof that I can do this. I can DO this! Doing it is a real confidence booster, too. I realized yesterday that I was walking like a boss. I had to laugh... it's been a very long time since I did that.

Still Here, Still Strong

This isn't my first rodeo. I've been riding the weight loss bronco for a long, long time. No one gets this far in life without being bucked a few times. But this time is different. A couple of people have asked me what I'm doing to lose weight. I can see them waiting, hoping, longing for an easy answer. I feel bad, because I remember having that kind of hope. "If only someone tells me the secret, the easy way, the painless way..." No one ever did. There is no easy answer. Seriously, if losing weight were easy, no one would be fat. The true secret to losing weight isn't expending more energy than you consume. That's the science. The secret, and one that took me decades to realize, is that you have to want it more than anything else. So, that's what I tell people. Make weight loss your priority, and let no one and nothing distract you. I have rock solid, unshakeable goals this time, and there is nothing I want more.

I see a future for myself, and I will not allow pizza, ice cream, cookies, candy, Doritos or anything else to get in my way. I want this MORE. I'll suffer through bouts of depression, crying my eyes out instead of eating to feel better. I'll track my food day in and day out just to keep myself honest. I'll walk past any food that doesn't fit into my plan for the day. I been doing it for the past 3+ months, and you know what? It's working. I'm down 53 pounds. 53! It's friggin incredible. It's also hard as hell. But, I'll keep doing it anyway. This is probably my last chance to ride the bronco, and I'm holding on for dear life.

Slow and steady

Some days I'm happy to see small changes on the scale. But there are other days when the fire of impatience rages through me. I want to skip ahead six months, a year, two years, more. Those are the days when I dig deep to find patience. I'm now down to 336 lbs. I'm definitely smaller. Despite my baggy clothes, people are starting to notice. The hope that lives inside me grows stronger every day.

Breaking Through

My favorite part of losing weight is breaking through the tens. You know that feeling when you slide past another zero? I dropped into the 30s today. I was so shocked! Down to 338 means I've now lost 45 pounds. I'm trying to think of a suitable reward for when I get to the 50 lb mark.

I have to eat HOW MUCH ??

 It never fails to amaze me how much I need to eat in order to lose. It seems so counterintuitive, but it works. At my size, I need to eat about 1700 to 2000 calories a day depending on my activity level. Eating that much is easy when you live on Costco pizza, frozen pizza, buffalo tenders, and Doritos. Eating that much becomes overwhelming when your meals consist of vegetables, lean protein, and low sugar complex carbs. Then, try balancing fat, carbs and protein. Eating healthy can be as time-consuming as any hobby. 

I'm remembering all the little things from my last weight loss adventure. The way my skin and the fat under it gets all shrivelly and shrinkedy right before I have a "fat flush" ... The way I'll drink extra water when I'm having a mini plateau, and then have a fat flush the next day... The first time I had the fat flush during this trip, I actually yelled. "OMG! I remember this! It's the flush!" Ha. It's the little things that keep me motivated.

Speaking of motivation, mine is multi-faceted this time. I have some health issues, some lifestyle issues, and some career issues. I do not want diabetes, and I still have a chance to avoid it. I'm not anxious to have a stroke either. Losing weight also helps with the arthritic joints and the physical fibromyalgia symptoms. As for lifestyle, I'm lonely. I want more friends and I want a partner. Yeah, I get that fat people can have these things. But the kind of people I like the best are ones who are physically active and involved in a lot of different things. That leaves my career. I spent many years in public safety. Now I work in a white-collar, public service job. I get bored. I'm good at what I do, but I miss being in charge, handling logistics, having people jump to follow my orders! If I'm to ever return to public safety, I need to be physically fit. Even if I stay in my current career, I know that it's a lot easier for "normal-sized" people to get promoted. The location I want to transfer to has a lot of very stylishly and professionally dressed people. If I want to get transferred there, I need to be able to wear nice business clothes. I can't do that now... I'm still buying big men's shirts that droop and cover my floppy stomach and front butt fat. I want to be able to wear skirts, dresses, suits, etc.

Now, back to that partner issue... I'll be honest. I want a nice tight ass that looks hot in jeans. Do I know a guy that would appeal to? Yes. Yes, I do. Being a normal size and having a great butt would give me the confidence to make that move :-)

Determination

You know you're committed to the journey when you stick to healthy eating even when your life is in turmoil.

Back on the road again

It lives!
Having given up on life and having lost all hope, I took a long, long trip down Angst Road into Fat Canyon. I foundered there for a while, living on pizza and ice cream. As you can imagine, I grew fatter in my sad hopelessness. It really sucks to be both fat and depressed!
Yeah, that's over now. Life is short, but I'm not dead yet. I've been back on the road to healthy for almost two months. All I've been doing is tracking everything I eat using Livestrong's My Plate. An all time high of 380 has started melting away--I'm at 343 and am still on track. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I've made it past the "10%" loss that is supposed to have an immediate effect on insulin response, etc. I do walk a little bit taller because of that.
That's it for now.