Sunday, August 22, 2010

Whose Idea Was This Anyway?

Today's rant is about fat clothes. I touched on this issue once before, in the form of cap-sleeve shirts, but I have MUCH more to say on this matter. I have a veritable list of complaints. 


Dear Purveyor of clothes for fat women:

I have many issues, that's true, but my main issue today is your catalog. I hope you're sitting in a comfortable chair, because I have a number of suggestions for you. Be quiet and listen.

First of all, if you plan to offer clothing for "plus size women," please do us the courtesy of finding models who are larger than size six or eight. If the model isn't at least a size sixteen, I don't want to see her in the catalog. I would prefer someone who is a size twenty. Better yet, have two or three models in varying sizes from twenty to thirty. It is bad enough that I have to buy clothes from a catalog instead of from a store. I want to see what your clothes look like on real people before I buy them. Seeing them on a tall skinny woman does not help me at all. I need to see where the lumps are going to show. Learn from this.

Second, who in the world is designing the clothes you are marketing to large women? Where do you FIND these people? When was the last time you had a request for a shirt with puffed sleeves in size 32? Are you kidding me? Seriously? The shirt looks stupid enough on the size eight model. Imagine stretching it over a size 28 ham hock arm. Shut up right now. I know what you're thinking.

Third, please tell me why, in your infinite wisdom, you think that lumpy plumpy women, such as myself, who wear "extended sizes" would want to wear hideously garish prints. The last time I went to the eye doctor I was cleared of cataracts, glaucoma, color blindness, macular degeneration and all other limitations on my sight. Well, I do have an astigmatism and I am getting closer to needing bifocals, but that's irrelevant. I can see perfectly fine, and I am amazed that you thought you could trick me into buying a shirt covered in a print that is straight out of a 1980s horror movie. What is wrong with you? We are already fat; there is no need for you to call attention to us by dressing us in cast-off upholstery patterns. Believe it or not, some of us are trying to blend into the crowd, not stand apart like fluorescent beacons of largess.

Finally, please oh please, tell me why you never make the shirt sleeves large enough. I can buy a shirt that wraps halfway again around my midsection but still doesn't have room in the sleeves for my ham arms. I am FAT. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Please do not keep reminding me by having me walk around with sausage-stuffed sleeves sticking out from a veritable tent of a shirt. You need to acknowledge, once and for all, that women with fat stomachs very often have fat arms. This is not rocket science. Deal with it.

Thank you for listening to my concerns. I eagerly await your next catalog with its new product lines, styles and fabrics. It is good of you to be so responsive to such a large constituency of buyers. I am glad that I have helped you realize exactly how much buying power "women of size" have. We are large and we have credit cards. Make something we actually want to buy.

Destined For 150


  1. HILARIOUS!! And so true. I love it!

  2. ROFLMAO--I heard a large female comedienne once who came out dressed in an outlandishly printed, tent-size dress. She said she figured if she can't disguise it, she might as well decorate it! I think many of these plus-size retailers must subscribe to the same philosophy!

  3. You guys are so fantastic. I swear, getting away from the ugly clothes has become a huge motivator for me!